Disclaimer: Just because my story does not end with a successful marriage does not mean it is impossible. Every neurotypical and ASD partner is unique. The success lies in both partners being willing, and a good therapist, just like any other marriage.
Being romantically involved with someone on the autistic spectrum is not something many people can relate to. When I tell women my experience they say, “Yeah, but my husband does that.” And sure, all men do “THOSE” man-things. The difference lies in that our male romantic partners generally bounce out to what I call “man-land” and us girls don’t like them very much for a while, but they bounce back. My man… lived in “man-land” 24/7. He did not comprehend that there was any other reality. Being so young and naive, I didn’t know there was any other way either.
This is only the tip of the iceberg, it wasn’t just constant chauvinistic behavior, it was bad coping skills. Albert Mehrabian, researched body language in the 1950’s. He found that 55 percent of our communication is nonverbal. That means people with autism can not understand over half of what we are telling them. One coping skill my husband developed is to manipulate people into showing emotions. Then he could build a catalog of information on a specific person and know what the non-verbal communication you were giving him meant. But it wasn’t a perfect system, because the same look for a different reason was read with the reason he had cataloged in his mind. It also creates someone who is constantly manipulating your emotions to get the results they want.
Understanding these kinds of things was a relief to me because I could decide what I chose to do with that manipulation instead of reacting unthinkingly.
Those of us that are aware are the pioneers trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t work. However, so many people are unaware and suffering because of that. If my story can help one person, I feel that the telling is important.
Married to the Spectrum 