Disclaimer: Just because my story does not end with a successful marriage does not mean it is impossible. Every neurotypical and ASD partner is unique. The success lies in both partners being willing, and a good therapist, just like any other marriage.
Do you ever wonder how we get down the road 10, 15 or even 20 years and have no idea how we ended up there? For the past 3 years I have been unpacking that mystery in myself. Therapy with an autism specialist and counselling at my church is helping tremendously. I hope that by sharing with you, my reader, it will help unlock your own mysteries.
From the age of five, I was looked at as a sexual object by an adult in my life. My emotions recognized it as being uncomfortable. My uncomprehending mind concluded that I must be the reason for that moment since it was something I did that caught their attention. I also figured it must be okay because this was an authority figure in my life, they are obviously right and I am obviously wrong.
Thus began the pattern set in my life where I took responsibility for the way people felt towards me and the trespass on my natural sense of boundaries must be okay.
Fast forward to the age of 18, I met a cute, charming, if a bit quirky man who was 5 years older than I. Honestly, my teenage hormones got the best of me and soon suspected I was pregnant. The first time I saw him angry was when I went to the bathroom at work and took too much time. He sent in a co-worker after me and when I came out he was angry. I didn’t like his anger, but he told me he was just worried about me considering I might be pregnant. Overlooking his offence and feeling that the responsibility was mine, I let it go and moved on. This set the stage for his use of gaslighting in order to get out of trouble.
Seven and a half weeks after we met, I was pregnant and we were married. We were supposedly ‘doing the right thing’. I had misgivings on the wedding day, but swept along by the expectations of others and quelling my own fears, I moved forward.
Throughout our marriage, the autism in my husband took the path of least resistance. It was easier to blame me for his problems and emotions than it was to take responsibility for himself. I was such a willing participant in that scheme, we made a perfect pair. Complete opposites. One taking no responsibility and the other taking all of it.
Married to the Spectrum 