Author Archives: marriedtothespectrum

The First Healing

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The week I left in March 2017, I landed at a friend’s house. She invited me to a women’s retreat that weekend at the beach.

As per usual, I couldn’t sit through the songs or talk. I finally stopped trying to control the tears and sat by the bathroom, listening.

That night, I listened to a music playlist to drown out my thoughts. Waking at 4 a.m., Something Wild by Lindsey Stirling was playing. Feeling God’s presence, He dedicated that song to me. After the song was over He showed me a vision.

I was tiny in the eye of a tornado I could not see the top of. There was no wind or fear that I felt, I was completely protected. God showed me that was His anger towards my abuse. He was going to keep me safe. Suddenly, it settled into my heart, I don’t have to be angry about the abuse, He was plenty angry for me. I didn’t have to feel hurt by Him, He didn’t hurt me. People did. I didn’t even have to feel betrayed by my faith because it was partly my own misunderstanding that led me to stay with an abusive husband.

Saturday morning, there was such a difference in my countenance that everyone around me noticed. I could finally sit through songs, even sing them again and sit through talks without tears streaming down my face.

This was a huge moment for me. It was a step forward in healing. It was a step forward in a true understanding of who God is and how much He loves me.

I have traveled far from this point, with an awareness that I have a long way to go still. But the important thing is… My eyes are on Jesus and He leads me forward.

Me and one of my sweet friends, Laura, March 2017 at the ladies retreat.

Building a Catalog

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As mentioned in my previous post, people with Autism build catalogs of facial expressions, reactions, body language, etc, as a way of compensating for their inability to intuitively read body language.

Eight months pregnant with our first son, (October 1994) my husband and I were driving home from a doctor’s appointment. I honestly can’t remember what set him off, all I remember is him yelling at me to the point of making me cry. Unwilling to fight with him and draw more vicious remarks, I chose to cry silently and stare out the window. Some random guy drove by and my husband yelled, “What?! You want to f*** him too?!”

At the time I thought, “What the heck? Where did that even come from?” I didn’t flirt with other men, we had only been together 10 months and we practically spent every waking moment together.

What I didn’t know is that the women in his life had been cheaters, manipulators and liars. Building a catalog of women based on them, he naturally assumed I was the same. Watching me like a hawk, he told me he tracked my mileage, went through my cell phone records and even stalked me at work. Any time he was angry with me he would accuse me of sleeping around on him. It didn’t matter if the man in question was old, young, skinny, fat, ugly or handsome.

Over time he stopped making overt accusations. He got smarter and sneakier about his stalking. Any time I was even having a friendly conversation with a guy, I was accused of cheating on him. It didn’t matter if it was online or in person.

I thought that it stemmed from his past. Thinking if I just didn’t give him a reason to suspect me, he would calm down. I didn’t know that no matter what, his carefully built catalog of women would always be the filter with which he saw me through. It was a battle I could not win and I would always be an enemy in my own home.

What I’ve learned, Autism = intellectual intelligence not emotional intelligence

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Caveat – this is “typical” not universal. People are unique whether we are neuro-typcial or on the Autistic spectrum.

There are two separate intelligence types in a person. Intellectual intelligence and emotional intelligence. People with High Functioning Autism (HFA) can be very intellectually intelligent, what they lack is emotional intelligence. In fact, from what I’ve heard, a person with Autism may not score highly on an online Autism test. What they will consistently score low in is the emotional intelligence test.

My therapist, Kathy Marshack always told me that people with Autism are great observers of human behavior, what they lack is the ability to interact with it.

What does this mean for a romantic relationship? They lack the ability to know what to do when they observe behavior they may or may not understand. Before we knew about his HFA, my ex asked me once after a beloved aunt died, “Why are you still crying about something you can’t do anything about.” It had been two weeks since her passing. Personally, I thought smacking him up side the head with a frying pan sounded good at that moment. (I didn’t, I promise. He remained unharmed.) What I didn’t realize is that he has very low emotional intelligence. He can not comprehend feeling that much, therefore he can not comprehend that I felt that much. A wise friend of mine said, “His emotions are like a mud puddle. Easily disrupted and stirred, but settles quickly. Yours are like the ocean, deep and thoughtful, they swell to the top with the emotions you are feeling.”

Coming from a woman’s perspective, involved with an HFA man, what many of us have discovered is that we have to tell our men what to do. We have to tell them what to say. Some of us make lists. If this is something you see happening with me, don’t turn away, hug me. Don’t try to fix it, just listen to me. Do not say things like…

Remember, even neuro-typical men don’t always know what to do with a woman’s emotions. HFA men live in extreme man-land 24/7, we have to inform them of what we need.

Eventually, they may build a catalog of what is expected and start responding in an appropriate manner. Never feel badly that you have needs, the needs are real and must be acknowledged. Never feel badly for him that you must tell him what to do. You both must learn to cope with a disability. It is learning a new way of being together and it takes both of you to be willing to learn what is necessary to make it work.

HFA men can be very insecure about what to do. Insecurity leads to a lack of action, turning away or ignoring. Giving them something to do builds you both up, he knows what to do and over time, you get some of what you need. The effort is what counts.

Everything is Connected

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Disclaimer: Just because my story does not end with a successful marriage does not mean it is impossible. Every neurotypical and ASD partner is unique. The success lies in both partners being willing, and a good therapist, just like any other marriage.

Do you ever wonder how we get down the road 10, 15 or even 20 years and have no idea how we ended up there? For the past 3 years I have been unpacking that mystery in myself. Therapy with an autism specialist and counselling at my church is helping tremendously. I hope that by sharing with you, my reader, it will help unlock your own mysteries.

From the age of five, I was looked at as a sexual object by an adult in my life. My emotions recognized it as being uncomfortable. My uncomprehending mind concluded that I must be the reason for that moment since it was something I did that caught their attention. I also figured it must be okay because this was an authority figure in my life, they are obviously right and I am obviously wrong.

Thus began the pattern set in my life where I took responsibility for the way people felt towards me and the trespass on my natural sense of boundaries must be okay.

Fast forward to the age of 18, I met a cute, charming, if a bit quirky man who was 5 years older than I. Honestly, my teenage hormones got the best of me and soon suspected I was pregnant. The first time I saw him angry was when I went to the bathroom at work and took too much time. He sent in a co-worker after me and when I came out he was angry. I didn’t like his anger, but he told me he was just worried about me considering I might be pregnant. Overlooking his offence and feeling that the responsibility was mine, I let it go and moved on. This set the stage for his use of gaslighting in order to get out of trouble.

Seven and a half weeks after we met, I was pregnant and we were married. We were supposedly ‘doing the right thing’. I had misgivings on the wedding day, but swept along by the expectations of others and quelling my own fears, I moved forward.

Throughout our marriage, the autism in my husband took the path of least resistance. It was easier to blame me for his problems and emotions than it was to take responsibility for himself. I was such a willing participant in that scheme, we made a perfect pair. Complete opposites. One taking no responsibility and the other taking all of it.

Richard Inouye and the Jazz Band

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Inouye

Band director Rich Inouye conducts during practice. He says that every concert with the students is a good memory for him. (Theresa Matthiesen)

Cherry blossom trees in bloom may have been the deciding factor for Richard Inouye when he was offered the job as band director at Clark College. “I came out in spring and the cherry blossoms had just bloomed. I remember having my interview and walking out and just thinking, ‘Wow.’”.
This is Inouye’s last spring as band director. He will be leaving, but his students will never forget their time with him. They described their time with him as difficult, rewarding, intense, terrifying and eventful.
Eventful was their favorite description and they shared stories of why. Lucas Hayes has been help run jazz fest for the past four years. “Every jazz fest, there’s always a moment where we hit a bump in the road and you feel a bit of stress and then you come back together,” he said. Hayes described another prank where a student took Inouye’s photo and posted it in Beacock Music Hall. “Every room, in the bathrooms, in the stalls, it was everywhere.”
Dennis Baciuc shared a story that made them all laugh. “In Jazz Fest, I was fooling with a couple of friends and long story short, we needed to borrow his coffee pitcher. So another long story short, we broke the coffee pitcher in the parking lot,” he said. “We found the same exact coffee pitcher from Goodwill and then bought it, cleaned it up and replaced it. Rich does not know to this day.”
The prank they pulled in Greeley, Colorado is also something they are very proud of. Chandler McCoy said that Rich never just gives a compliment. “The funniest part for me is he literally said, ‘that was good.’ Whenever we do something he likes, what he usually says is, ‘I didn’t hate that.’ So when he says something is good, it’s good.”
There have been serious times too. Shelly Williams has worked with Inouye for several years. She has watched him work with kids who need a little of the tough air-force guy. “There’s always a kid or two who need structure and compassion.” she said. “He’s good at working with those kids to encourage them to step up to the plate.”
Hayes says that he was 18 when he started playing for Inouye and wasn’t very responsible as a person. “Pushing me to be more accountable and more responsible, that’s really shaped me over these past four years,” he said. “I can look back at it and I can see a clear difference in who I was four years ago to who I am now. And it’s a difference I like.”
Inouye has poured his passion for music into the band program. One of his students was the first to become a field scholar and finish their bachelor’s degree in music. Since then a total of seven students have become field scholars. “There is no magic pill to being a good musician. There is only hard work,” he said. “You can not be lazy in this business.” His parting advice to students include work hard, have a plan and stay the course.

Welding and Fabricating Life

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Welding is a skill that permeates almost every aspect of life. Medical equipment, pipes and ovens in bakeries. Students graduating from the Clark welding department learn welding and fabrication. It is what makes the Clark program so unique.

Students graduating from the Clark welding department learn welding and fabrication. It is what makes the Clark program so unique.

Welding and fabrication isn’t the only educational option either. Jed Vavold said he chose industrial maintenance welding as a career. While companies are automating so much of repetitive building projects, such as vehicles, there is still a need for people who can fix the equipment when it breaks down.

While companies are automating so much of repetitive building projects, such as vehicles, there is still a need for people who can fix the equipment when it breaks down.

Students learn from teachers who have worked in the industry for a long time. “They’ve got all kinds of knowledge about what’s happening around in the industry,” Vavold said. “And help us know what we need to expect to get into.”

Clark Archaeology Students throw Spears

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Jay Fancher demonstrated 45,000 year old spear throwing techniques to his archaeological students. “You can get the distance,” he said after throwing the third spear. “The accuracy is the harder part.”

“The spear-thrower is a remarkable example of applied physics practiced by ancient humans. By artificially extending the arm…both ancient people and the Aztecs were able to dramatically increase the accuracy as well as the power with which they could launch a spear in the quest for food or in battle” (Feder 2017:185).

When the Spaniards invaded the Aztecs in the 16th century, they could not compete against Spanish firearms, but the atlatl spears could pierce completely through steel breastplates, both front and back.

Maggie Morgan, archaeology student tried throwing the spear with her hand and then with the atlatl. “It helped with the atlatl,” she said.

As students took turns launching spears, the class responded with exclamations and chatter over how far away spears landed. “It’s amazing, it’s a stick,” Fancher said. “That’s all you needed in terms of technology to get that distance.”

Andrea Smith was able to throw a spear through the plastic shelf the target sat on. The spear was not sharp and remained undamaged.

Fancher joked, “And that’s why you sign the waver.”

Early atlatls were made of bone and ivory, which was much heavier than wood. It was eventually replaced by the bow and arrow, Fancher explained. “With this you have to get big and rear up,” he said. “But with the bow and arrow you can stay low.”

Megan Armstrong said it was easier with the atlatl. It’s not heavy, the handle helped balance the weight. “It was weird,” she said. “I’m literally throwing something that’s the same height as me.” Armstrong is also in archery. She said atlatl throwing is easier because archery requires more arm strength. However, archery is still more accurate.

Fancher does atlatl throwing with his archeology classes and STEM camp middle-schoolers during the summer.

The archaeology students clearly enjoyed the event, cheering each other on and chatting over their experience.

Puyallup, Washington has an Atlatl Club called Skookum Archers that was just started April 2017. They have the equipment to try out and is open to range members and non-members.

The World Atlatl Association website has a comprehensive list of events. There are classes, competitions and just casual events for those who are newly interested in the art.

 

 

 

 

 

Poetry-To-Go Event is like Tweeting

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Frank O’hara’s Lunch Poems is the inspiration for the Poetry-to-Go event at Cannell Library, May 14th from 11a.m. to 12p.m. O’hara used his lunch hour to observe his surroundings and listen to conversations happening around him to write a complete poem. He later published the collection of Lunch Poems, in a small book that could be kept in your pocket and read a poem on your lunch hour.

English professor, Dawn Knopf says that it’s a way for poets who usually agonize over every detail of their poetry to choose, accept and let go.  “Those errors and imperfections, become part of the poem itself, part of the beauty,” she said. 

While Knopf enjoyed the Juxtaposition of tweeting at the event, she also said that this is a lot like tweeting. You’re in the moment, choosing what is important, talking about them and then releasing it to the world to be read.

There will be three typewriters set up, students can stop in and request a poem. Poems will be written in O’hara style, using surroundings, conversations, or information from the student. Personalized requests can be made to give the poems to loved ones or for special occasions. Students can also spend some time on the typewriters, getting a feel for them and typing out their own poems.

Knopf says that in our busy lives, Ohara’s Lunch Poem style is a way for us to check in with ourselves and our environment. Instead of checking our phone newsfeed we can be introspective, something that most of us don’t have a chance to do often.