Building a Catalog

As mentioned in my previous post, people with Autism build catalogs of facial expressions, reactions, body language, etc, as a way of compensating for their inability to intuitively read body language.

Eight months pregnant with our first son, (October 1994) my husband and I were driving home from a doctor’s appointment. I honestly can’t remember what set him off, all I remember is him yelling at me to the point of making me cry. Unwilling to fight with him and draw more vicious remarks, I chose to cry silently and stare out the window. Some random guy drove by and my husband yelled, “What?! You want to f*** him too?!”

At the time I thought, “What the heck? Where did that even come from?” I didn’t flirt with other men, we had only been together 10 months and we practically spent every waking moment together.

What I didn’t know is that the women in his life had been cheaters, manipulators and liars. Building a catalog of women based on them, he naturally assumed I was the same. Watching me like a hawk, he told me he tracked my mileage, went through my cell phone records and even stalked me at work. Any time he was angry with me he would accuse me of sleeping around on him. It didn’t matter if the man in question was old, young, skinny, fat, ugly or handsome.

Over time he stopped making overt accusations. He got smarter and sneakier about his stalking. Any time I was even having a friendly conversation with a guy, I was accused of cheating on him. It didn’t matter if it was online or in person.

I thought that it stemmed from his past. Thinking if I just didn’t give him a reason to suspect me, he would calm down. I didn’t know that no matter what, his carefully built catalog of women would always be the filter with which he saw me through. It was a battle I could not win and I would always be an enemy in my own home.

What I’ve learned, Autism = intellectual intelligence not emotional intelligence

Caveat – this is “typical” not universal. People are unique whether we are neuro-typcial or on the Autistic spectrum.

There are two separate intelligence types in a person. Intellectual intelligence and emotional intelligence. People with High Functioning Autism (HFA) can be very intellectually intelligent, what they lack is emotional intelligence. In fact, from what I’ve heard, a person with Autism may not score highly on an online Autism test. What they will consistently score low in is the emotional intelligence test.

My therapist, Kathy Marshack always told me that people with Autism are great observers of human behavior, what they lack is the ability to interact with it.

What does this mean for a romantic relationship? They lack the ability to know what to do when they observe behavior they may or may not understand. Before we knew about his HFA, my ex asked me once after a beloved aunt died, “Why are you still crying about something you can’t do anything about.” It had been two weeks since her passing. Personally, I thought smacking him up side the head with a frying pan sounded good at that moment. (I didn’t, I promise. He remained unharmed.) What I didn’t realize is that he has very low emotional intelligence. He can not comprehend feeling that much, therefore he can not comprehend that I felt that much. A wise friend of mine said, “His emotions are like a mud puddle. Easily disrupted and stirred, but settles quickly. Yours are like the ocean, deep and thoughtful, they swell to the top with the emotions you are feeling.”

Coming from a woman’s perspective, involved with an HFA man, what many of us have discovered is that we have to tell our men what to do. We have to tell them what to say. Some of us make lists. If this is something you see happening with me, don’t turn away, hug me. Don’t try to fix it, just listen to me. Do not say things like…

Remember, even neuro-typical men don’t always know what to do with a woman’s emotions. HFA men live in extreme man-land 24/7, we have to inform them of what we need.

Eventually, they may build a catalog of what is expected and start responding in an appropriate manner. Never feel badly that you have needs, the needs are real and must be acknowledged. Never feel badly for him that you must tell him what to do. You both must learn to cope with a disability. It is learning a new way of being together and it takes both of you to be willing to learn what is necessary to make it work.

HFA men can be very insecure about what to do. Insecurity leads to a lack of action, turning away or ignoring. Giving them something to do builds you both up, he knows what to do and over time, you get some of what you need. The effort is what counts.

Everything is Connected

Disclaimer: Just because my story does not end with a successful marriage does not mean it is impossible. Every neurotypical and ASD partner is unique. The success lies in both partners being willing, and a good therapist, just like any other marriage.

Do you ever wonder how we get down the road 10, 15 or even 20 years and have no idea how we ended up there? For the past 3 years I have been unpacking that mystery in myself. Therapy with an autism specialist and counselling at my church is helping tremendously. I hope that by sharing with you, my reader, it will help unlock your own mysteries.

From the age of five, I was looked at as a sexual object by an adult in my life. My emotions recognized it as being uncomfortable. My uncomprehending mind concluded that I must be the reason for that moment since it was something I did that caught their attention. I also figured it must be okay because this was an authority figure in my life, they are obviously right and I am obviously wrong.

Thus began the pattern set in my life where I took responsibility for the way people felt towards me and the trespass on my natural sense of boundaries must be okay.

Fast forward to the age of 18, I met a cute, charming, if a bit quirky man who was 5 years older than I. Honestly, my teenage hormones got the best of me and soon suspected I was pregnant. The first time I saw him angry was when I went to the bathroom at work and took too much time. He sent in a co-worker after me and when I came out he was angry. I didn’t like his anger, but he told me he was just worried about me considering I might be pregnant. Overlooking his offence and feeling that the responsibility was mine, I let it go and moved on. This set the stage for his use of gaslighting in order to get out of trouble.

Seven and a half weeks after we met, I was pregnant and we were married. We were supposedly ‘doing the right thing’. I had misgivings on the wedding day, but swept along by the expectations of others and quelling my own fears, I moved forward.

Throughout our marriage, the autism in my husband took the path of least resistance. It was easier to blame me for his problems and emotions than it was to take responsibility for himself. I was such a willing participant in that scheme, we made a perfect pair. Complete opposites. One taking no responsibility and the other taking all of it.

Discovery

In 2013, our youngest son was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (HFA). That’s when the running jokes began. “You know, you act just like him sometimes,” I would say to my husband. “You don’t like change, surprises, a lot of people and you don’t like anything new.” We would laugh and carry on with life.

Women describe being married to men with Autism as if they’re living in a glass bubble. You can see and interact with them, but you can never get emotionally close to them. In 2015, I started to suspect something was really wrong in our marriage. I likened it to a game of catch. If I throw a ball to a neurotypical man, he would catch it, toss it back and the game would be silently understood. If I tossed a ball to my husband, it would bounce off him and he’d look at me saying, “What are we doing?”

I began systematically trying everything I knew to connect with my husband. With it all failing, I looked into the adult presentation of Autism. Two months of intense online research taught me the effects of not knowing one partner has Autism in a romantic relationship. That’s when I started sending my husband articles. Some of them made sense to him, which led him to take three online Autism tests. All three indicated he should see a specialist because there was a strong possibility he had Autism.

A long month and more research found us at a psychologists office who told us that within the first 30 minutes of interviewing my husband, he knew he had Autism. He was diagnosed with the same as our son, HFA.

Ben, always looking at life a little differently than the rest of us. He looked through the wrong end, first.

 

Welcome to the Roller Coaster

Autism has been a large part of my life from my marriage at 19 to a man who found out 22 years later that he has High Functioning Autism, to our youngest son who was diagnosed at five-years-old with the same as his father.

A large part of that time was spent unknowingly dealing with the effects of Autism in my relationship, awareness only came two years ago. However, I dedicated much of my time in research and support groups to find solutions to the neurodiverse family I lived with.

I hope to share the journey with you so that you can see how the discoveries I made along the way have shown me sides of life I never could have imagined existed. I also hope that in this sharing, you find the answers you may be seeking in your own life.

My autistic son, Benjamin riding his favorite thing in the entire world, a train.