The First Healing

The week I left in March 2017, I landed at a friend’s house. She invited me to a women’s retreat that weekend at the beach.

As per usual, I couldn’t sit through the songs or talk. I finally stopped trying to control the tears and sat by the bathroom, listening.

That night, I listened to a music playlist to drown out my thoughts. Waking at 4 a.m., Something Wild by Lindsey Stirling was playing. Feeling God’s presence, He dedicated that song to me. After the song was over He showed me a vision.

I was tiny in the eye of a tornado I could not see the top of. There was no wind or fear that I felt, I was completely protected. God showed me that was His anger towards my abuse. He was going to keep me safe. Suddenly, it settled into my heart, I don’t have to be angry about the abuse, He was plenty angry for me. I didn’t have to feel hurt by Him, He didn’t hurt me. People did. I didn’t even have to feel betrayed by my faith because it was partly my own misunderstanding that led me to stay with an abusive husband.

Saturday morning, there was such a difference in my countenance that everyone around me noticed. I could finally sit through songs, even sing them again and sit through talks without tears streaming down my face.

This was a huge moment for me. It was a step forward in healing. It was a step forward in a true understanding of who God is and how much He loves me.

I have traveled far from this point, with an awareness that I have a long way to go still. But the important thing is… My eyes are on Jesus and He leads me forward.

Me and one of my sweet friends, Laura, March 2017 at the ladies retreat.

Discovery

In 2013, our youngest son was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (HFA). That’s when the running jokes began. “You know, you act just like him sometimes,” I would say to my husband. “You don’t like change, surprises, a lot of people and you don’t like anything new.” We would laugh and carry on with life.

Women describe being married to men with Autism as if they’re living in a glass bubble. You can see and interact with them, but you can never get emotionally close to them. In 2015, I started to suspect something was really wrong in our marriage. I likened it to a game of catch. If I throw a ball to a neurotypical man, he would catch it, toss it back and the game would be silently understood. If I tossed a ball to my husband, it would bounce off him and he’d look at me saying, “What are we doing?”

I began systematically trying everything I knew to connect with my husband. With it all failing, I looked into the adult presentation of Autism. Two months of intense online research taught me the effects of not knowing one partner has Autism in a romantic relationship. That’s when I started sending my husband articles. Some of them made sense to him, which led him to take three online Autism tests. All three indicated he should see a specialist because there was a strong possibility he had Autism.

A long month and more research found us at a psychologists office who told us that within the first 30 minutes of interviewing my husband, he knew he had Autism. He was diagnosed with the same as our son, HFA.

Ben, always looking at life a little differently than the rest of us. He looked through the wrong end, first.

 

Welcome to the Roller Coaster

Autism has been a large part of my life from my marriage at 19 to a man who found out 22 years later that he has High Functioning Autism, to our youngest son who was diagnosed at five-years-old with the same as his father.

A large part of that time was spent unknowingly dealing with the effects of Autism in my relationship, awareness only came two years ago. However, I dedicated much of my time in research and support groups to find solutions to the neurodiverse family I lived with.

I hope to share the journey with you so that you can see how the discoveries I made along the way have shown me sides of life I never could have imagined existed. I also hope that in this sharing, you find the answers you may be seeking in your own life.

My autistic son, Benjamin riding his favorite thing in the entire world, a train.